Watch All Our Videos in this Tidy Playlist

Monday, June 30, 2008


A quick update on what the Bruces are doing!

Bruce Campbell
Bruce has finished directing his new film My Name is Bruce. A small mining town is under siege by and ancient Chinese ghost monster. A teenager named Jeff kidnaps his idol, Ash, from the Evil Dead trilogy, thinking he can stop the monster. But its not Ash, it's Bruce Campbell, and hilarity ensues. My Name is Bruce is set for limited release in the US in October 2008. For more info check out

Bruce McCulloch
Bruce has spent the last few months on tour with the Kids in the Hall. The tour, "Live As We'll Ever Be" has been extremely successful, to say the least. The Kids have a brand new video, which you can watch at on the kithblog. Warning: It contains brief nudity. For other fun Bruce stuff (like his songs and other shit like that) check out

Bruce Dern

Bruce just finished a movie called Swamp Devil. Need I say more?


Today Marks Five Year Anniversary Of When It Became Easier To Tell Your Dad That You're Gay Than It Did To Tell Your Friends You're A Republican

NARBERTH, PA -- James Baxter III remembers this day five years ago fondly.

Baxter, then an 18-year-old freshman at Temple University, revealed to his parents that day that he was a homosexual and was dating a boy he met at school.

"I was really nervous," Baxter said. "Especially about my dad's reaction. I mean, he's in the electrician's union and was a Little League coach and everything. I thought that he'd be upset, maybe even ashamed with me."

But Baxter was met with a surprising reaction when he brought Trevar Brackford, his older RA from his dorm room. Earlier that year, Baxter and Trevar had started talking about their shared love of the Final Fantasy video game series and they soon began having mutual and simultaneous oral sex. They then started dating.

"I brought Trevar home with me over the summer and I just felt like I had to tell this to my parents or I'd never feel like myself," Baxter said. "So, I told them that I was gay and dating Trevar. They didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then they said that they thought I was courageous for telling them, that they loved me and that Trevar was welcome to their home at anytime. It was a little shocking that they were so comfortable with my sexuality. But they did watch Will and Grace at the time."

Baxter and Brackford broke up eight months later after Brackfard met an older documentarian. However, Baxter's parents still remain supportive of his sexuality.

"They're still really cool about things. If I'm going out to a meth-fueled S&M leather party, they tell me to give them a call if I've been drinking too much and I can't drive home," explained Baxter.

The same day Baxter came out to his parents, Gloria Patterson, then 23, was at Sabrina's restaurant for a scheduled brunch with Tricia Lee and Matthew Schwartz-Garcia, whom she shared a house with her senior year of college.

While eating fruit-filled pancakes, the trio started discussing politics. Lee and Schwartz-Garcia started talking about how much they hated President George W. Bush and how that they, no matter what, would vote Democrat.

"I told them that I was going to be voting for Bush," Patterson said. "And I told them that I voted for him in 2000. They were apoplectic. They assumed I voted for Nader like everyone else we know did. I explained to them that I believe in a small and limited federal government, more power given to states and localities, strict constructionist readings in Supreme Court cases, a strong national defense in the wake of 9/11 and a flat tax. They then asked for the check."

Patterson frantically tried to explain to her friends that she wasn't a "religious right-wing nutjob" despite attending a pro-life rally while a high school senior. She also started claiming that she was "more of a libertarian than anything else" and only voted Republican because the Libertarian Party was in favor of drug legalization, which she is opposed to.

Patterson soon found that she was excluded from e-mail forward circles and weekly pot-luck dinners with her friends. She drifted apart and has only seen Lee and Schwartz-Garcia infrequently.

"I ran into them at Whole Foods a few months ago," Patterson said. "I asked them how they were doing and they just mumbled something about free trade and No Child Left Behind. They kinda left abruptly before I got a chance to ask them if they still had my Season 2 Arrested Development DVD's."

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Obama Campaign Set To Debut Even Creepier Posters

Yes We Can Have More Pictures Out Of An Orwellian Nightmare

CHICAGO -- In an effort to grow the ever-swelling cult of personality surrounding Barack Obama, his campaign officials announced today that they would be placing posters that make him look even more like a totalitarian dictator at bus stops throughout the country.

His top campaign staffers said they intend to keep running a campaign largely based around a charismatic leader, popular sloganeering and eye-catching graphics. His campaign officials said that by making even more frightening posters, they hope to increase the growing ranks of his die-hard, unquestioning legion of supporters.

“We’re planning for our next posters to copy the cover of an old edition of 1984. We‘re thinking of having a vague close-up of Obama‘s eyes watching over all Americans,” said Obama’s minister of information John “Jake” Vernon. “In focus groups, the young intellectuals who make up the most of Obama’s core voters also responded well to the posters of Ceaucescu the Romanian secret police forced Bucharest shopkeepers to place in their windows in order to avoid imprisonment.”

Vernon also said that the Obama campaign would be collaborating with Black Eyed Peas front man Will I. Am to make a remix of his popular “’Yes We Can’” song and video, this time set to the classical music of Richard Wagner.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Possible McCain VP Candidate Does Well In Slutty Secretary Demographic

JUNEAU -- Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one of many names bantied about as a possible Republican vice-presidential candidate, has fared extremely well amongst secretaries who wear short skirts and put out for their bosses.

Palin, whose sexy glasses emphasize her come hither eyes and "fuck me" heels, has been the governor of Alaska since 2006. During that time period, Palin has fought for many issues important to whorish office workers: a lack of workplace sexual harrasment rules, greater availability of tight, white dress shirts missing many top buttons, and protecting Alaskan fisheries.

"We also hope she'll have cross-over appeal amongst Internet perverts, boys with MILF fetishes and just average guys who still get boners," said McCain spokesman Jeremiah Smith-Fa'atulo. "Those are all key demographics. Lynne Cheney's sex appeal really helped get Bush over the top in '04."

McCain has also recieved favorable poll numbers amongst men who enjoy the company of rich heiress trophy wives and also amongst rich heiress trophy wives.

Obama To Announce Faceless, Drab Democrat As VP

This boring man may be our vice-president

CHICAGO -- Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama has narrowed down his list of potential vice-presidential candidates to a handful of politicians no one in America will get excited over.

The pool of candidates includes little known Louisville, Kentucky-area attorney general R. David Stengel; Congressman Tim Holden whose district is centered in Pottsville, PA; and former presidential also-ran John Edwards.

"I think we've done a really good job finding candidates who will bore you to tears during the vice-presidential debate," said Obama spokeswoman Jane Zuckerman-Vazquez. "Mr. Obama has been hoping to find someone who can counteract his overwhelming charisma and, with the choices we're down to, we will balance out the rock star excitement he brings to the stage with a total dud."

When reached for comment, Stengel said, "I am honored to be considered for this position by Mr. Obama. I have been proud of my service as serving as the highest elected law enforcement type person in all of greater Louisville. Under my tenure, I have fought some crime. I will bring the same lack of passion and bland speeches to the national stage that I have used when campaigning in greater Louisville."

Hilary Clinton allegedly asked that she not be considered for the post in order to have time to get her pantsuit collection cleaned.

Tabitha's Private Diet Journal Blog Centre #2

Hey, it's big old fat Tabitha again. I just got out of the hospital today, apparently the diet I went on caused me to have some sort of stroke. The doctors were dicks, they kept telling me what to do. They were like "you have to drink water" and I was like "fuck you doc!"

Anyway, as I was fading in and out of consciousness, I had an insanely vivid dream, wherein the full-figured comedienne Mo'nique appeared to me in a dream. Being a large-framed lady of comedy myself, I could relate. Mo'nique warned me of the dangers of body image, and that the worse thing you can do is hurt yourself to conform to some stick-figure idea of beauty. I had never thought of it that way.

She showed me all the awards she had won for comedy, as well as a large wad of cash in her wallet. I realized, that's what really counts, money, not being hot. She also talked to me about tolerance, and love. I kind of stopped paying attention at that point. I did have a major breakthrough while I was pretending to listen to her though, which is, no matter what, Mo'nique will always be fatter than me. And that makes me feel good about myself.

Love and Light,

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Bush Wistful, Nostalgic About Destroying Country

WASHINGTON -- In a rare private interview, President George Walker Hoover Bush said he had already began to be teary eyed about the two terms he served as president where he ruined the country.

“I met all of my goals as president,” a weepy Bush said. “All my life, I’ve set a very high bar for myself. Being an average student in prep school, being a sub-par student in college, having my daddy give me seed money to start up a fledgling, failing oil business and also buying the Texas Rangers baseball club. But I think I really have outdone myself this time, they way I completely ruined the country like that. I‘m going to miss this place.”

Within Bush’s two terms, America has been imprisoned thousands of foreign citizens illegally, launched a senseless war without provocation, seen its international standing bottom out and watched as its economy slowly whittled away to nothing.

But, Bush said, his proudest moment as president came during his incompetent handling of the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

“That was definitely the apex of my aims to end the American empire,” Bush said. “I showed the entire world that I did not care for my own citizenry as much as I did not care about the rest of the world.”

Bush said he most enjoyed watching graphic pictures of poor, African-Americans stranded on top of their rooftops for days at a time.

“That was the best example I can show of how I led an uncaring beauracracy and allowed it to destroy the lives of ordinary citizens,” Bush said. “Also, I really enjoyed the reports of child rape taking place in the New Orleans Superdome bathrooms.”

Bush said that after his tenure, he hopes to not write his memoirs and also plans on sitting on corporate boards of soon-to-be delisted publicly traded companies.

Michelle Obama Claims She Did Not Appear In R. Kelly Sex Tape

Michelle Obama Claims She Never Appeared In R. Kelly Sex Tape

CHICAGO -- Michelle Obama, wife of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama, denied allegations that she appeared in an infamous sex tape where popular R&B musician R. Kelly urinates on an underage teenager.

The allegations surfaced today after an anonymous, creepy shut-in rewatched the taped for the 748th time and posted on a porn-themed Usenet group that the underage teen receiving the golden shower in the video kind of, sort of looked like Michelle Obama except with a slightly different haircut.

“These allegations are false and untrue,” Michelle Obama said today at a press conference outside of her Chicago townhouse. “While I am a fan of R. Kelly’s ‘Trapped In The Closet’ video project, I have never met R.”

When asked if she has ever received a golden shower, the prospective first lady said “no comment.”

The McCain camp was quick to jump on these allegations.

“This country needs strong leadership in this time of both international and economic crisis,” said McCain spokesperson Roger Thorn. “What it does not need is a first lady into dehumanizing sex acts.”

Study Shows McCain Has Support Of Men Routinely Tortured While Held Captive In Tiger Cages

As part of The Sixth Borough's mission to keep you, the Philadelphia Comedy Fan, informed about the issues, former newspaper reporter and current comic sensation Gregg Gethard will present late-breaking news from this year's campaign trail. Expect to see scoops, exclusives and more! Here is his first story about surprising results from a recent nationwide poll!
Study Shows McCain Has Support Of Men Routinely Tortured While Held Captive In Tiger Cages

WASHINGTON – A new Gallup poll has shown that Republican presidential nominee John McCain is overwhelmingly favored by men who are held captive in tiger cages while being routinely tortured.

The Gallup poll showed that McCain had 85% of the vote of hostages contacted for the survey.

"I just think he seems like someone who understands the maverick changes we need to our government. Also, I trust him when it comes to Iraq," said Ben Horner of Plattsburgh, NY.

Eight years ago, Horner was kidnapped by a dominant regional biker gang after he accidentally opened the wrong locker at his local Extra Space Self Storage facility, where he discovered seven Mexican sex slaves in addition to $3 million in methamphetamines being stored in packing boxes. Horner had rented space in a nearby locker to hold a dinette set while he moved into a bigger apartment.

Since then, Horner has been held in a dog crate originally built for a 40-to-50 pound Labradoodle. Daily, his genitals are shackled to a car battery and his ribs are worked over by socket-wrench wielding entry-level biker gang members who pummel him as part of their initiation rites. He has had little-to-no contact with his family since that time and his wife and children have since moved on to better lives.

His situation is somewhat similar to the magical journey McCain took in Vietnam, where he was held captive by the Vietcong until he denounced America. McCain gladly did and, as a result, became a prominent Arizona Republican.

"Clearly, this poll shows that McCain has the strength and wisdom to lead our country," said McCain spokesperson John Butterfield. "Who else would better know how to handle our energy crisis, reforms to our health care system or our problems with immigration than men held in subterranean lairs whose eyelids are repeatedly scraped with carpentry tacks?"

Another Gallup poll revealed that Barack Obama has the overwhelming support of people who went to expensive preparatory high schools who also received degrees from an Ivy League law school who are now pretending to be an average person just like you and me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I'm The Sixth Borough's own Corey Cohen. And folks, don't be fooled by the picture, I am that obnoxious. Today I wanted to introduce a brand new semi-weekly semi-series of posts, by me, in person.

However, unlike regular blog posts you may have seen in the past, mine will include images I found on the internet and arranged to be hysterical!

I know, it's brilliant.

Calm down.

This semi-series will be part of a larger lecture I am preparing for a later date, which is part of an ongoing effort to download as many images of Jesus as I can. That is because as a Jewish man, I have always felt a hole in my heart shaped like a cross. In an effort to learn more and better understood my potential true Lord, I must stalk him like the wiliest former chemistry classmate who may still have nice breasts.

Each posting will include images of Jesus in relation to different theoretical perspectives. Such perspectives may include:

Jesus + Robots
Jesus + Karate
Jesus + Contemporary Musicians

It's all up to me. So please, look and learn. This weeks perspective:

Jesus: Man's Man

This image shows that Jesus is comfortable just hanging out, lending a helping hand. Jesus could pass the ball to himself, but he doesn't. And I respect that.

Remember, Jesus is just one of the guys. Notice he tucks his t-shirt into his pants with confidence. And if there is one man outside of James Dean who can be confident with that look, it's probably Jesus.

In case you haven't gotten the point, this guy is really serious.

Really serious. Serious about being a man.

And then just when it gets heavy, we see that being a man also means taking time to get rowdy with some old college friends. Jesus knows better than anyone, sometimes you have to laugh at yourself.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Hey everybody, it's Tabitha, aka the chubby one the in the group. We were recently going over some of our live videos, frame by frame, analyzing where the jokes peaked and choreographing our blinking when I noticed a fucking orka on the screen. I hadn't realized how much I had let myself go! Jesus! I was distracting the audience from our hilarious jokes by my sheer mass. I just want to be BEAUTIFUL and SKINNY, OK? Like Miley Cyrus.

So I got up this morning, had my usual breakfast of ouzo and fried bread and resolved to get my life on track once and for all. That's why I'm starting Tabitha's Private Diet Journal Blog Centre. It's basically where I share my goals, hopes, jokes and triumphs on this journey we call Philadelphia.

Anyway, here are my plans for the day:
- Run 12 miles
- drink less than 13 oz of water (FACT: water stays in your system and congeals into fat)
- don't eat anything green

I'm being realistic here, I'm not hoping for the impossible. I just want to loose enough weight so I can stop having a period. (That would kill 2 birds with one stone, if you know what I mean.)

I'll be posting Tabitha's Private Diet Journal Blog Centre throughout the week, when I have a breakthrough or I feel like it. I'm mad as hell! And I'm not going to be a fat piece of shit anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and Light,

Monday, June 23, 2008

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist." - GC

George Carlin was one of the most important comic talents in history.
He inspired all of us.
He will be missed.

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

"Always do whatever's next."

New York Times Obituary

Friday, June 20, 2008

Dirty Laundry

I go to a LOT of baseball games. I went to four Phils games this week alone, including one with The Sixth Borough's Pat Kelly.

I love The Phillies. I love Citizens Bank Park. I love The Schmitter. I love everything about the place, except for one thing.

That when Pat "The Bat" Burrell comes out bat, he comes out to Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry."

This wasn't always the case. As late as two years ago, Burrell came out to Dio's "Holy Diver." This is far from being an actual good song. However, Dio was the band fronted by Ronnie James Dio, who replaced Ozzy in Black Sabbath. He also allegedly invented the "Devil Horn" symbol that metal fans everywhere make.

That's a whole lot better than being a song on the first solo album from some asshole from The Eagles.

"Dirty Laundry" is so transcendently, fascinatingly bad.

Whenever I hear this song, I think this: It is 1983. Two couples -- fast moving, Wall St. types -- are out for a night on the town in New York's upper west side. They have a bite to eat at a hot fusion restaurant, then they have some gourmet wine at a nearby cocktail bar.

"Hey, I know what we can do next," says one of the guys, who is clad wearing a blazer and dress shirt unbuttoned to his mid-chest cavity. "Let's go onto my yacht, listen to some Don Henley, do some cocaine and have group sex!"

They all agree. They all listen to Henley, snort cocaine off of a man's erection, and then they have group sex.

Another funny thing about this song is it's "message." The song is about Henley's problems with commercial media.

Here are some of the lyrics.

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who
Comes on at five
She can tell you bout the plane crash with a gleam
In her eye
Its interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry

This leads me to wonder if Pat Burrell even knows what this song is about? Or is it a meta thing, since he was an embatteled member of the franchise for most of his career? Curious.

If I was a baseball player, I think I would come out to "Lemon" by U2. Just because.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Greatest Prank Phone Call I Have Ever Seen

Maybe it's a sign of immaturity. But I think that prank phone calls, along with professional wrestling, prop comedy and boardwalk airbrushing, are amongst the highest of art forms.

I'm an okay prank phone caller. In the NBA, the term "volume shooter" is used to describe guys who score a lot of point but only because they shoot the ball so much. (Think of Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant and Steve Francis.) I am a "volume" prank phone caller. The only ways I have good results in prank phone calls is by making a lot of them.

However, I know of one person who is a true prank phone call artist. That would be The Sixth Borough's own Emily Mcgraw.

In the time I have known Emily, she has proven herself to be a true master of "adult" voices. She somehow can change her voice at anytime she wants. I am incredibly jealous of this, as I can only do two voices: annoying and slightly more annoying.

One night, right as when we getting ready to rehearse, I brought to the table a prank phone call idea that I had taht I knew I would be unable to perform. But the maestro, Emily, stepped up to the plate and delivered a touchdown.

THE VICTIM -- a chain hotel located in West Deptford, NJ.

The front desk operator picks up the phone.
"Hello, this is Whatever Hotel, West Deptford, how may I help you?"

"Uhm, yes, I'm looking for room availability. Somewhere around late October or early November."

"Well, we probably have openings then. Do you know what date exactly?"

"Well, that's a good question. I'm not exactly sure. You see, I'm pregnant and I'm very ashamed of who impregnated me. None of my friends and family know. I've been researching on the Internet and I'm confident I can deliver my baby by myself."

"Uhm... I'll have to check with the manager about that."

"Well, can you answer some questions first?"


"Do you charge for extra towels? I might destroy a few."


"How deep is your tub?"

"They're fairly sizeable."

"Do you have a dumpster on the premises?"

"Yes, in the parking lot."

"GREAT! Well, I'll call you back when I get my due date finalized! Thanks!"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A message from Tabitha

This pretty much sums it all up: <
Thanks everyone. I love you forever.

No, seriously

I'm not someone who is a serious person. And, naturally, a lot of people involved in comedy always try to constantly be funny. But there's a serious side to comedy. And I want to just to talk a little bit about our group, how we formed, and what it means to me.

The Start
For me, I've always been into comedy. I've always had problems sleeping, so when I was in grade school and middle school I used to stay up late and watch Carson and Letterman every night. While my mom would rather that I had a healthy sleeping pattern, she also appreciated how much I loved these types of shows. So, she purchased me a bunch of Letterman's Top Ten list books. And also got me a subscription to Mad Magazine. And then I discovered with a bunch of my friends Saturday Night Live. And then our cable system got Comedy Central and then I started watching The Kids In The Hall, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and, my all-time favorite, Andy Kaufmann's "I'm From Hollywood."

It's just impossible to watch all of those shows without trying to be funny yourself. And, being a really weird kid who was really small and who got picked on a lot, being funny became my primary defense mechanism/way to get attention/main personality trait. A big part of my high school experience came from re-living my favorite comedy bits with my friends. To this day, I still know every line of the Jason Priestly episode of Saturday Night Live.

After high school, I went to La Salle, which I talk about waaaaay too much. This is because the people I met and became friends with in college are the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Most of the time, we'd just sit around, goofing off, drinking malt liquor and swapping stories. On top of that, our school had a really awful monthly open mic night. Most of the performers were pretentious English majors who read bad Sylvia Plath rip-offs, or were frat boys covering Smashing Pumpkins songs. I, however, started doing comedy. It was kinda really bad stand-up mixed in with poetic readings of Better Than Ezra songs and interpretive dance. Sometimes people would laugh but most of the time everyone was just completely baffled as to what I was doing. Also, it probably prevented me from having sex.

I was interested in trying to find a way to make it in comedy. But I didn't know anyone who was into comedy. All I knew about were comedy clubs that had really traditional stand-up, which I'm not really into. Then, I graduated, and got hired by a local newspaper. And I gave up the thought of professional comedy and instead tried my hand at being a "serious journalist."

The Next Step
Meanwhile, my younger brother got REALLY serious about comedy. He was into acting in high school (I was more into debate club and not doing homework) and joined his college's improv group. And then, from there, he started taking classes at the famous Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. And then he started to carve out a little name for himself.

Obviously, I was a little jealous that he was able to do all of this. And at the same time, I saw the writing on the wall in professional journalism -- I really didn't want a job where I spent my nights at local school board meetings where I made $10 an hour. And I also was in grad school, getting a master's degree in international studies, and I wanted to maybe work towards being a professor. But the thought of another few years of school and the student loans and the like chased me from that.

I had a really boring office job at the time. So I started to write a lot, most of it funny. Some stuff got passed around a bit on the Internet, and, with my brother's encouragement, he got me a spot at a show he runs at UCB. I went in thinking that I was going to completely bomb and then I'd go back to my academic interests. But instead, my stuff got over really well. And that's when I knew that I wanted to do comedy in some capacity.

I found a few shows here in Philly. And then I saw a class offered at this place in South Philly in sketch comedy. I decided to give it a try, mostly as a lark. But it was actually really awesome.

And, more importantly, that's how I met Tabitha.

6th Borough Assemble!
I obviously don't want to speak for Tabitha and her interest in comedy. But I do know this about her -- she's always wanted to do comedy and she has the ambition and drive to try and get something started. I was e-mailing with her and a few other people some sketches we were writing. Then, she invited a bunch of people she knew to a meeting to discuss starting a sketch comedy group.

At first, there were probably like 25 people involved. It got whittled down to a more manageable eight. I didn't know any of these people and felt completely intimidated, as I usually do in most social situations. But then I learned that none of us really knew each other, except for Tabitha, and I didn't even really know her.

This could have been really disastrous. But, for the most part, we all hit it off immediately. These people were REALLY funny and super talented. There was nothing I liked more than trying to make these people laugh either with a sketch I wrote or in trying out a role. (I never acted before I joined the group, I was completely nervous because a bunch of the 6th Borough folks have a ton of acting experience and are REALLY good. I still feel pretty uncomfortable being in sketches but I'm also naturally an attention-whore so whatevs.)

We worked on our first show. Writing, rehearsing, practicing. Things got pretty tense, we didn't always see eye-to-eye, and despite that I liked all these people, I was pretty sure our show was going to be a giant failure and then I'd never see these people again.

But I was completely wrong. We did two shows. Both of them, combined, had like 300 people come to them. I still have no idea how this happened. But, more importantly, we got huge laughs and a giant applause after each of our shows.

This was the coolest thing I had ever been a part of in my life.

So, we've stuck together since then. There have been some conflicts (we could write a book about the craziness of our show in last year's Fringe Festival called "Adults") and a few people left the group, and not always on good terms.

Writing, rehearsing, editing, filming and putting on shows... it's not always fun. It's a big time commitment and, being a married homeowner, it sometimes gets in the way of other things I have to do.

But there's nothing I like better than trying to make these guys laugh. They're the hardest working and most committed people I know. And, not just that, but I also count them amongst the best friends I've ever had.

Serious part over. Back to being funny.

-- Gregg

Behind The Scenes

Hi there everyone. This is Gregg Gethard. You probably know who I am. I have performed many outstanding roles in my duties in the 6th Borough -- from Zakiyyah the feisty Wawa Clerk, to the Birdman terroristic Eagles fan, to BethAnne the middle-aged woman with a fat vagina and to The Tranny Vampire Werewolf who enjoys giving lap dances to our many thousands of fans.

I get stopped on the street all the time. People always ask me, "Hey, Gregg, how did you get to become so funny?" Or "Hey, Gregg, I love you in the 6th Borough, how can I be more like you?"

The answer as to how I became so funny is simple -- it's a natural gift I have combining my vastly superior skills in language, wordplay, wit and cunning. And the answer as to how you could become more like me is that you probably can't because I am so totally awesome but you could maybe wear more shirts from Kohl's and that might do the trick.

I have been assigned a task by Tabitha (or, as I like to call her, Mistress Midnight) to give you, the thousands of fans which have made us such an integral part of the Philadelphia lifestyle, an inside look at how we're able to do what we do.


Our writing process is simple. Most of the writing is actually done by Emily. Then, she'll assign us a script she wrote and allows us to change a word or two. Then she lets us share some of the credit with her. She's completely unselfish in that way. And that's how we generate so many sketches and things of that nature. Emily's caring womb.


Our rehearsals are largely violent affairs. We begin our rehearsals by ordering take-out from a local South Philly "pizza" establishment. However, we can never agree on what we'd like to order. And then, it never fails, but Jason will strike me with a muy Thai backfist that sends me briefly into unconsciousness. And then everyone draws phallic symbols on various parts of my limp body. These guys make me so happy as, through them, I get to relive my childhood.

Shockingly, all our shows are actually improv.