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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Study Shows McCain Has Support Of Men Routinely Tortured While Held Captive In Tiger Cages

As part of The Sixth Borough's mission to keep you, the Philadelphia Comedy Fan, informed about the issues, former newspaper reporter and current comic sensation Gregg Gethard will present late-breaking news from this year's campaign trail. Expect to see scoops, exclusives and more! Here is his first story about surprising results from a recent nationwide poll!
Study Shows McCain Has Support Of Men Routinely Tortured While Held Captive In Tiger Cages

WASHINGTON – A new Gallup poll has shown that Republican presidential nominee John McCain is overwhelmingly favored by men who are held captive in tiger cages while being routinely tortured.

The Gallup poll showed that McCain had 85% of the vote of hostages contacted for the survey.

"I just think he seems like someone who understands the maverick changes we need to our government. Also, I trust him when it comes to Iraq," said Ben Horner of Plattsburgh, NY.

Eight years ago, Horner was kidnapped by a dominant regional biker gang after he accidentally opened the wrong locker at his local Extra Space Self Storage facility, where he discovered seven Mexican sex slaves in addition to $3 million in methamphetamines being stored in packing boxes. Horner had rented space in a nearby locker to hold a dinette set while he moved into a bigger apartment.

Since then, Horner has been held in a dog crate originally built for a 40-to-50 pound Labradoodle. Daily, his genitals are shackled to a car battery and his ribs are worked over by socket-wrench wielding entry-level biker gang members who pummel him as part of their initiation rites. He has had little-to-no contact with his family since that time and his wife and children have since moved on to better lives.

His situation is somewhat similar to the magical journey McCain took in Vietnam, where he was held captive by the Vietcong until he denounced America. McCain gladly did and, as a result, became a prominent Arizona Republican.

"Clearly, this poll shows that McCain has the strength and wisdom to lead our country," said McCain spokesperson John Butterfield. "Who else would better know how to handle our energy crisis, reforms to our health care system or our problems with immigration than men held in subterranean lairs whose eyelids are repeatedly scraped with carpentry tacks?"

Another Gallup poll revealed that Barack Obama has the overwhelming support of people who went to expensive preparatory high schools who also received degrees from an Ivy League law school who are now pretending to be an average person just like you and me.

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