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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING FAT?

Hey everybody, it's Tabitha, aka the chubby one the in the group. We were recently going over some of our live videos, frame by frame, analyzing where the jokes peaked and choreographing our blinking when I noticed a fucking orka on the screen. I hadn't realized how much I had let myself go! Jesus! I was distracting the audience from our hilarious jokes by my sheer mass. I just want to be BEAUTIFUL and SKINNY, OK? Like Miley Cyrus.



So I got up this morning, had my usual breakfast of ouzo and fried bread and resolved to get my life on track once and for all. That's why I'm starting Tabitha's Private Diet Journal Blog Centre. It's basically where I share my goals, hopes, jokes and triumphs on this journey we call Philadelphia.

Anyway, here are my plans for the day:
- Run 12 miles
- drink less than 13 oz of water (FACT: water stays in your system and congeals into fat)
- don't eat anything green



I'm being realistic here, I'm not hoping for the impossible. I just want to loose enough weight so I can stop having a period. (That would kill 2 birds with one stone, if you know what I mean.)

I'll be posting Tabitha's Private Diet Journal Blog Centre throughout the week, when I have a breakthrough or I feel like it. I'm mad as hell! And I'm not going to be a fat piece of shit anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and Light,
Tabitha

3 comments:

The Sixth Borough said...

Tab, Kudos for facing your obseity problem head on. I went through a similar issue after the twins were born. I knew I wasn't able to be the mother they needed, so shortly after they were delivered, I cut the cord with pinking shears (they were born in my arts and craft room)and dropped them off at Dave and Busters, hoping someone would find them and give them a good home. Anyway,despite my best efforts (I was chain smoking and replacing meals with slim fast the whole 9 months), I had put on some weight. I tried diet and exercise, but the only thing that seemed to work (and boy did it)was drinking my first morning urine, and visualize Greg Maughn's naked thighs. I was back down to my ideal size (87lbs.) and felt great! I dunno, it worked for me. Good luck! -Emily

Badgerick Calais said...

Tab. Now that you're able to admit what a big fat pig you are, maybe you can help Jason come to terms with his thunder thighs.

Jaime said...

In an effort to help you on your quest for beauty, I have replaced all of the food in the house with Pedialyte and celery.

I promise to wake you up at 4am every day with a whistle so you can run up and down the stairs for three hours before work.