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Thursday, July 3, 2008

Action Park: World's Most Threatening Waterslide Park

Action Park: Where The Impossible Becomes Possible

By Gregg

The picture above this text is of an actual waterslide. There is only one place on earth where something like this could even be thought of: Action Park.

Action Park was a mostly water-based amusement park located in Vernon, New Jersey, about one hour west of New York. Advertisements for Action Park constantly played during cartoons and other programs geared for teens and children. And it looked amazing. Crazy waterslides, trapeeze swings into the water, alpine slides, some weird ride where you put on a body suit and a giant fan blows hot air and hoists you into the air, bungee cords, etc.

I always wanted to go to Action Park. However, my parents would never take me and my brother. The reason is simple. As you can tell from the picture linked above, Action Park was obviously run by maniacs. The place had so many awful stories it became colloquially known as "Traction Park."

The loop-de-loop waterslide was all anyone who went to Action Park talked about when they returned home. Even as a child, I knew that there was no way that a loop de loop waterslide could actually work. In order to thrust a human being to get through a loop like that, one would need the pressure of Hiroshima. And even if you could get through an upside down waterslide, there was also a good chance that you'd just fall to the bottom and break your spine. Or there's a good chance you could get stuck and slowly drown.

I have told many non-North Jersey people about this contraption. Absolutely none of them believe me. But here it is, forever captured in film.

I wrote about Action Park on my old website. I have recieved dozens of comments about the place, including many from people who have claimed or know someone who claimed to have gone through the looping waterslide. I find this completely impossible and incomprehensible.

One popular rumor in North Jersey: Action Park employees actually sent a test dummy down the waterslide, where the torso got stuck in the middle of the loop but its head was decapitated and was later found in the pool.

Just even taking the time to design and build a waterslide of this insanity proves that Action Park was the World's Most Threatening Waterslide Park. But that was the joy of Action Park. Anytime you went to the place, you took your life into your hands.

This is a link to a list of major deaths and accident occurring at water-themed parks throughout the country. Many of the items listed occurred at Action Park.

Other rides of note at Action Park: The giant fan which sent you flying into the air by blowing wave after wave of fierce, scalding hot air directly into your face; the "Canyon Rapids" raft ride where patrons were forced to duck from dangling tree limbs and also had their head and upper neck region slammed into artifical rocks; tarzan swings where patrons leapt off of a deck and hung onto a rope until they fell into disturbingly cold water that was green from algae; and a wave pool filled with the rowdiest, filthiest persons from the North Jersey area, policed by teenage lifeguards experimenting with painkiller abuse.

But, aside from the infamous upside down waterslide, Action Park was best known for its alpine slides. For those not familiar with the alpine slide, allow me to explain. Action Park was part of the Great Gorge ski resort. Action Park patrons could take a ski lift up to the top of a mountain and then ride in a clumsy go-kart type contraption down the mountain via a cement course similar to what you would see in Olympic luge competitions.

When one arrived at the top of the mountain, they were shown a picture of Poloroid photographs of alpine sliders who disobeyed one of the safety rules and suffered brutal injuries. I saw pictures of compound fractures, face bruising and shot after shot of sickening road rash, including one photo I could never get out of my mind of a teenage girl who was missing the skin to her entire stomach as she laid semi-conscious in a pool of her own blood on a side of the mountain.

These photos scared the hell out of anyone who actually wanted to ride the alpine slides. However, once you went to the top of the mountain, there was no other way down. Thus, most of the people going down the alpine slides rode as slow as possible for fear of impalation.

Another great aspect of Action Park was the fact that State Highway 94, an incredibly busy road, bi-sected the park in two. There were two options to get from one side of the park to the other: take a death-defying sprint across this highway or to take the chintzy train that takes you from one side of the park to the other.

Obviously, most people took the train. But even the train had a myriad of problems. Case in point: my friends Dave and Kevin went to Action Park as part of their altar boy trip, they took the train over the highway, the train's engine CAUGHT FIRE as they were on the bridge over the highway and they were forced to jump from the bridge onto the road underneath them, where Kevin fractured his ankle but, to make ammends, Action Park gladly provided him with four free passes for a return visit.

Unfortunately, people with sense intervened in Action Park's decades long reign of terror. There were always rumors of the state closing Action Park or if it going bankrupt due to a multitude of class-action lawsuits. It eventually did close and was reinvented as "Mountain Creek" and is now known for its impeccable safety record.

It just goes to show that the homogeony of the American suburbs really takes away from our greater culture. This is a land where one should be free to sprint across highways like a Mexican border hopper, where one can watch their child lapse into a coma after getting swept under the dangerous undertow of the wave pool and where one can attempt to defy the laws of physics and go through a loop de loop waterslide.

Read more about Action Park here! At least 6 deaths, constant emergency room visits, bumper boats located in a pond filled with snakes, patrons routinely overcome with gas fumes, kayaks stuck in dangerous electrical wires, water cold enough to routinely cause cardiac arrest, forced enemas via waterslide, getting jumped on by people falling off of clips and miniature golf courses also infested with snakes.

2 comments:

d said...

So you're saying Shellac named an album after a water park in New Jersey!?!

The Sixth Borough said...

No one actually knows the truth about that. I've heard it both ways. But, knowing that Shellac is fronted by a man who once was in a band called Rapeman, I want to believe it.