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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

For The Record

Dear Friends,

As a young Philadelphia celebrity, people are always asking me questions. "How do you spell your name?", and "What ethnicity are you?" and "Why are you looking at me like that?"

But recently, I've been getting the same question, which is, "Is it true that you moved out of Philadelphia?" Well dudes and dudettes, it is true. I moved to New York. Technically it's Jersey City, but it's the same idea. I can't afford to live in Manhattan and I don't want to live in Brooklyn, ok? Besides, fuck you.

Why did I move? Lots of reasons. Some of them are personal, and some of them are the FBI's problem now. I don't need to justify things to you people. Ok fine, here's the truth. The real reason I moved out of Philadelphia is because I ran out of Italian guys to have one night stands with. I heard there are a lot of Italian guys in NYC so I moved. I don't even bother wearing underwear anymore, that's how much pepperoni there is around here. (Get it? I mean dicks!) Also, I heard giant awesome turtles who do karate live in the sewers of the Big Apple.

So the other big question is, "What's going to happen to The Sixth Borough?" The answer is nothing. We're still working together, we're still doing shows like Welcome to the Terrordome 4 and this May we are going up to the Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival. I'm going to be back in Philly for Sixth Borough stuff and this spring I am teaching a Sketch Writing 101 for PHIT. So aside from me having a different zip code, you're favorite/least favorite sketch comedy group is still doing weird shit, live for you on stage.

Does that clear things up? If not, too bad. I've got a date with the pizza guy.


Love and Light,

Also, as far as those other FAQ's go, my name is spelled the way it sounds: A-S-S-H-O-L-E. My ethnicity is half gypsy, half retarded, and I'm looking at you like that because you are looking at me like that.

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