The Johnsons

A big steaming pile of memories...

Here are some photos from WORLD CRISIS shot by our good friend Jeremy Tenenbaum.

Please enjoy responsibly.

Just Like Heaven: My Trip To Philadelphia Traffic Court

Enduring crippling and awful public situations ranks as perhaps my favorite thing in the world. And today I had such the experience as I went to Philadelphia Traffic Court in an attempt to have several tickets I recieved cancelled. (I received four tickets after making an illegal left/not having the right paperwork in the car and was pulled over after I was forced by Em and Tab to drive them home as part of my job as their sexual manservant.)

Philly Traffic Court is located at the beautiful intersection of 8th and Spring Garden, conveniently located near Philly's best restaurant, the Spaghetti Warehouse. I drove around looking for a non-metered parking space and eventually found one underneath one of the dozens of "rape tunnels" populating the area just to the west of Northern Liberties.

Upon entering traffic court, patrons are forced to go through a metal detector. When I was in line, a woman of unclear ethnicity cut me in line and started screaming at one of the court officers about her lost pair of scissors. They were returned to her which caused her to explain, "Yo, I need these real bad just in case something happens, y'know?"

After making it through security, I entered the main lobby of traffic court. I immediately wished that I, too, brought a sharp pair of scissors with me because the likeliness of "something happening" was through the roof. The crowd had a terrific combination of natural violent tendencies mixed in with the constant agitation of dealing with shitty city government services. The eyes of traffic court employees told the story of a people resigned to employment in the worst place possible while enduring the constant threat of being punched in the throat due to the impoundment of a car.

I then went to the room to get my tickets cancelled. The clerk was busy on her cellphone, chomping gum, and finished up her giggling conversation. I handed her my summonses and told her that they were to be cancelled. She looked at them and then at me and said "I can't fucking help you with this shit."

Next, I went back to the main lobby where I had to go to customer service. A big sign warns patrons to have their ID present with them. This is so when you show a clerk your ID card she can order you to go to the broken down and outdated photocopy machine as they will only accept a copy of your license. The copier requires fifty cents to operate which, naturally, I did not have.

Luckily, a change machine (which takes ten cents of your change as a "service charge) sat in the front of traffic court. However, it was inoperable. I then bought a delicious Coca-Cola from the machine and tried to return to traffic court. The officer refused to let me enter, telling me I had to go through the metal detectors again and that I was also not allowed to bring in my delicious Coca-Cola. I had to hide my drink behind the vending machine in order to enjoy taste satisfaction later.

I now returned to the customer service line. Here, I waited behind a 65-year-old man who started shouting to the clerk "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? MY NAME IS TONY FERGLETTI!" repeatedly. The clerk said she did not know who he was. "MY EX-WIFE IS SUZANNE LUPICA! SHE WORKED HERE FOR THREE YEARS? DO YOU KNOW HER? OH. WELL HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HER? I KNOW CLAUDETTE!" This remarkable conversation lasted for 12 minutes while I waited and watched.

When I went to the clerk with my summonses, she stared at me and asked if my car was impounded. I told her it was not. "Well it should be!" she yelled, cracking up one of her skanky co-workers.

She then asked me for such things as my birthday and address (even though I wrote them down for her) and yelled at me when I did not give her an immediate response military style. This was a refreshing change of pace of how I am usually treated by people. Under most circumstances, I am granted both dignity and respect by others. But the clerk at traffic court took the time out of her day to scold and mock me in a public setting.

She also told me she could be of no help to me. So she gladly gave me a court date in October.

I then decided I wanted to see what traffic court was lke. There are a few courtrooms in the facility with actual judges and everything. I saw a chamber where a case was being decided. I sat down and then listened to the sad tale of a 26-year-old wearing a t-shirt with explosive airbrush writing on it who claimed his belief he was suffereing from cardian arrest caused him to go over 70 MPH on Broad Street.

The judge turned to me in the middle of the hearing and asked me who I was. I told him my name and that I had a date in a few weeks and I wanted to find out what to expect in court.

"You can expect to go to jail," he replied, cackling with the power of a low-level municipal jurist. I then returned to the rape tunnel and drove home.

You Wanted Arts and Crafts? Well Here's Some Arts and Crafts!

A lot of people have been coming up to me on the street lately and saying, "Hey, Gregg, I understand there's a new Sixth Borough show coming up, and I understand it's going to be awesome, but exactly how awesome is it?"

We will be twice as good as The Who's "A Quick One" on the Rock and Roll Circus.

(I used that title because it's a line from Weezer's new single "Troublemaker" and I think I'm back in love with Rivers Cuomo.)

Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Chestnut Hill

Where People Better Than You Live

Get To Know Chestnut Hill
Have you ever dreamed of being someone's servant? Take orders from a child who snaps their fingers at you like you're a dog? Wanted to be constantly reminded that you're barely fit to lick the dirt off of a rich person's shoes?

Then Chestnut Hill is the neighborhood for you! Located in the far northwest corner of Philadelphia, Chestnut Hill is the ideal place to be treated as a human ashtray by your social superiors.

Etiquette In Chestnut Hill
There are rules to follow for non-Chestnut Hill residents when entering the streets of this tony neighborhood. First, always cast your eyes downward when you see a resident of the neighborhood. You'll know when you see a resident of the neighborhood because they're better than you. Second, always make sure you curtsey before a female resident of Chestnut Hill, even (and especially) if she's a pre-teen. Always remember -- while you may not currently work for a resident of Chestnut Hill, someday these people WILL employ you, thus make sure you get on their good side now.

Shopping In Chestnut Hill
Are you a wealthy matronly lady approaching her menopausal years? Germantown Ave, Chestnut Hill's main shopping corridor, has both a Chico's AND a Talbot's, giving you ample opportunities to by shawls, pant suits and tiarras.

Dining In Chestnut Hill
Chestnut Hill is home to several of the city's finest restaurants. At the top of the list is The Melting Pot, a foundue restaurant where diners can take food in their fat, filthy hands and dip it into scalding, broiling cheese.

Escaping From Chestnut Hill
When enslaved by a Chestnut Hill family, try using a spoon stolen from one of your master's many china sets to dig a hole from the dark lair you're kept in at night.

Liquid Gold: A Video Look at the Jersey Shore

As you may know, I am completely fascinated with the culture of the Jersey Shore. My obsession with The Shore comes from a North Jersey childhood where much of my time was spent in classrooms with "guidos" -- a New Jerseyan with Italian-American heritage, large muscles, predelictions towards house music and expensive hair gels. West Orange (my hometown) had a sizeable guido population, which made my adolescence hellish -- imagine gym class with kids who wear "ITALIAN AND PROUD" tank tops to school on a regular basis -- enough. But I can't even imagine how awful it must be to not be a guido in a true mecca of guido life such as Totowa, Wayne, Clifton, East Hanover or Whippany.

The video above captures the lifestyle perfectly, as unsuspecting guidos and guidettes are interviewed at the Surf Club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. (A classless Wildwood.) The other great piece of guido video literature is that MTV True Life with "Tommy Chesseballs" who attempts to kill a man after a line dispute at an all-night eatery.

Enjoy!
- GG

Get to Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Manayunk

Getting To Know Manayunk
Manayunk is located in northwest Philadelphia. "The Yunk" as locals call it was at one time a former mill town turned into a bleak wasteland of American post-industrial waste. But today, thanks to gentrification and access to American Apparel, Manayunk is one of Philadelphia's most vibrant communities.

Shopping
Main Street in Manayunk is one of Philadelphia's premier shopping destinations. There are not one but THREE stores where faded 60's relics sell overpriced beads in the name of freeing Tibet. Shoppers in Manayunk give visitors a chance to feel the sensation of the Cherry Hill Mall while enjoying the decaying smell from a filthy river located only feet away.

Nightlife
Do you like the Old City scene but can live without the overwhelming presence of rich Indian girls from UPenn? Then try Main Street, where it's always pledge week. It's a perfect place to wear a dirtied white "Cocks" baseball cap and a t-shirt tucked into khaki slacks. The Manayunk Brew Pub is a great restaurant featuring microbrews, excellent food and a chance to have a recent Villanova graduate to make lewd and threatening remarks to your wife.

Sadly, the premier spot in Manayunk's nightlife scene -- The Grape Street Pub -- is no longer with us. For years, the Grape Street was the premier place in the city to see the irritating go-teed philosophy major from your dorm play acoustic covers of Smashing Pumpkins songs.

Recreational Activities
A great place to commit a sex crime.

Manayunk offers its visitors a wide array of recreational activities. A popular spot for Yunkers and guests alike is the Manayunk Canal Tow Path. Located directly in the rear of restaurant loading docks, with limited lighting and overgrown shrubbery making you completely invisible to anyone who could possibly hear your screams, the Tow Path is a great place to enact upon your disturbing sexual-power issues.

Bike Race Weekend
It isn't the summer in Manayunk until Bike Race Weekend. The annual event attracts tens of thousands of people who line Manayunk's small, winding and incredibly hilly streets who pretend to watch professional bicyclists. The race starts at 9 but public drinking starts at 6 a.m., making the bike race course a likely spot to see a shirtless man pounding a Lager while grilling bacon. It's a great chance to play beer pong with slutty teenagers or to hear lifelong 'Yunk residents drunkenly recount, play-by-play, the Roman Catholic vs. Cardinal Dougherty Catholic League girls basketball finals from 1982. It is truly one of the best civic events in the history of planet earth.