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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Mount Airy

McMenamin's Tavern: No Pavement On Their Jukebox

GETTING TO KNOW MOUNT AIRY

Mount Airy is one of several neighborhoods comprising Northwest Philadelphia. On one side, it is bordered by Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia's toniest neighborhood, and on the other by Germantown, one of Philadelphia's crummiest neighborhoods. Thus, Mt. Airy is somewhere in between and is rife with class struggle -- a perfect set-up for you to indoctrinate the neighborhood's residents via socialist leaflets handed out at area coffeeshops.

Mt. Airy residents pride themselves on their cultural diversity. In fact, when meeting a Mt. Airy resident for the first time, be prepared to hear about how diverse their neighborhood is. And it isn't just when you first meet a Mt. Airy resident as, actually, all anyone who lives in Mt. Airy ever talks about on their neighborhood's cultural diversity.

Mt. Airy is also noted for having the most anti-Bush bumper stickers found on the back of Prius cars anywhere in the continental US. This celebrates the neighborhood's commitment to becoming a "green neighborhood" while also celebrating the fact that Mt. Airy residents know what the word "impeach" means.

CLOTHING IN MT. AIRY
All male Mr. Airy residents between the ages of 15 and 55 wear toeless sandals at all times of day, complete with matching braided belt. This is a handy look when you wish to impress somebody by repeatedly telling them how culturally diverse your neighborhood is.

SHOPPING IN MT. AIRY
Another popular Mt. Airy destination is the Weaver's Way supermarket co-op. Here, people can actually work a select number of hours at Weaver's Way -- for free -- which allows them the opportunity to later purchase organic grains at expensive prices.

EDUCATION IN MT. AIRY
The Mt. Airy Learning Tree is one of Philadelphia's finest community learning schools. Classes range from "Mastering The 40 Words Successful People Know" to a personal favorite, "Candlemaking With Roberto." Roberto is a Brazillian who learned his candlemaking skills while growing up in the favela slums along the outer rim of Rio. He wears tight shirts and has tanned muscles and gentle, caressing hands. His exotic features, sensual touch and his uncanny ability to mold a candelabra make him ideal to fulfill your fantasy of having a secret midnight, moonlight tryst in a dumpster outside of the Taco Bell on City Line Avenue with a Brazillian candlemaker.

DINING IN MT. AIRY
The Wawa at the corner of Allens Lane and Germantown Avenue makes spectacular made-to-order hoagies.

FAITH IN MT. AIRY
Right across the street from the Wawa is the Philadelphia headquarters of the Hare Krishna religious group, allowing residents and visitors a rare chance to look,touch and smell a sari. Seminal 90's hardcore band and Krishna devotees Shelter frequently play outdoor shows in their large backyard.

TRAVELLING TO MT. AIRY
Stop being a dick and get a car.

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