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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: East Falls

Getting To Know East Falls
East Falls is located on the hills to the east of the Schuykill River, providing the area with sweeping vistas of disgusting standing water. The neighborhood is an ecelctic mix of post-grads from area schools such as Philadelphia University, La Salle University and St. Joe's University and lifelong residents who proudly call themselves "Fallsers." The post-grads have flocked to East Falls because of its proximity to Center City and also because diplomas from these institutions can barely be used for toilet paper, making it essential for grads to live with six of their friends in sub-standard housing. Fallsers never left the neighborhood due to its proximity to oxycontin.

Famous Faces In East Falls
The East Falls neighborhood was the longtime home of the Kelly family who sprung timeless whore Princess Grace and her brother, swimming champion and local politician John B. Kelly, who was possibly homosexual since he liked swimming so much.

East Falls has long been the traditional home of the area's politicians. Currently, U.S. Senator and multiple stroke victim Arlen Specter lives right around the corner from Pennsylvania governor and casino afficianado Ed Rendell.

Weekly, residents and visitors of East Falls can watch as Ed Rendell gets pestered for change by a semi-retarded hobo who has camped out at the Sunoco A-Plus at Calumet and Ridge.

Community Spirit In East Falls
Post-grads and Fallsers, while coming from significantly different backgrounds, have joined together to help make East Falls a community that cares!

Despite their out-of-town presence, post-grad East Falls residents are seen frequently helping out lifelong residents in a variety of ways. Recently, at the McMichael Park a new East Falls resident was helping a pregnant teenager understand her social place by screaming "How does it feel to meet an authority figure who does not detail cars for a living?" while repeatedly striking her with an extension cord.

Fallsers welcome newcomers to the neighborhood with open arms. Many times, Fallser teenagers will sit on your front step while smoking drugs. Also, many Fallser teenagers like making newcomers feel right at home by making suggestive comments about your alleged sexuality while shining lazer pointers directly into your retina as you walk from your car. And residents who live near Midvale Ave. also love one of their more well-known neighbors, a 16-year-old teenager with a dirtlip and back-long red dreadlocks who enjoys repeatedly jumping on the hood of your new car while singing outdated Eminem lyrics.

Nature In East Falls
Do you like the outdoors? Then why not spend all morning drinking and go sit on the ledge off of the Schuykill River and try your hand at fishing!

Capturing fish from the river is a hobby many East Falls residents enjoy. Nothing can make a man prouder than holding up a still-breathing trout to show off to your friends and then throwing the fish into the garbage can located behind the Sunoco A Plus right across the street.

Getting To East Falls
Walk to the right of the art museum and head up Kelly Drive. About a mile up the road, flash your genitalia to a passing vehicle headed northbound and arrange a deal for the driver to take you to East Falls.

After the terms of your arrangement have been fulfilled, ask to be physically thrown from the car at the Sunoco A-Plus located at the intersection of Ridge and Calumet. Then feel free to wander and explore this neighborhood of many wonders!

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