Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Chestnut Hill

Where People Better Than You Live

Get To Know Chestnut Hill
Have you ever dreamed of being someone's servant? Take orders from a child who snaps their fingers at you like you're a dog? Wanted to be constantly reminded that you're barely fit to lick the dirt off of a rich person's shoes?

Then Chestnut Hill is the neighborhood for you! Located in the far northwest corner of Philadelphia, Chestnut Hill is the ideal place to be treated as a human ashtray by your social superiors.

Etiquette In Chestnut Hill
There are rules to follow for non-Chestnut Hill residents when entering the streets of this tony neighborhood. First, always cast your eyes downward when you see a resident of the neighborhood. You'll know when you see a resident of the neighborhood because they're better than you. Second, always make sure you curtsey before a female resident of Chestnut Hill, even (and especially) if she's a pre-teen. Always remember -- while you may not currently work for a resident of Chestnut Hill, someday these people WILL employ you, thus make sure you get on their good side now.

Shopping In Chestnut Hill
Are you a wealthy matronly lady approaching her menopausal years? Germantown Ave, Chestnut Hill's main shopping corridor, has both a Chico's AND a Talbot's, giving you ample opportunities to by shawls, pant suits and tiarras.

Dining In Chestnut Hill
Chestnut Hill is home to several of the city's finest restaurants. At the top of the list is The Melting Pot, a foundue restaurant where diners can take food in their fat, filthy hands and dip it into scalding, broiling cheese.

Escaping From Chestnut Hill
When enslaved by a Chestnut Hill family, try using a spoon stolen from one of your master's many china sets to dig a hole from the dark lair you're kept in at night.

Liquid Gold: A Video Look at the Jersey Shore

As you may know, I am completely fascinated with the culture of the Jersey Shore. My obsession with The Shore comes from a North Jersey childhood where much of my time was spent in classrooms with "guidos" -- a New Jerseyan with Italian-American heritage, large muscles, predelictions towards house music and expensive hair gels. West Orange (my hometown) had a sizeable guido population, which made my adolescence hellish -- imagine gym class with kids who wear "ITALIAN AND PROUD" tank tops to school on a regular basis -- enough. But I can't even imagine how awful it must be to not be a guido in a true mecca of guido life such as Totowa, Wayne, Clifton, East Hanover or Whippany.

The video above captures the lifestyle perfectly, as unsuspecting guidos and guidettes are interviewed at the Surf Club in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. (A classless Wildwood.) The other great piece of guido video literature is that MTV True Life with "Tommy Chesseballs" who attempts to kill a man after a line dispute at an all-night eatery.

Enjoy!
- GG

Get to Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Manayunk

Getting To Know Manayunk
Manayunk is located in northwest Philadelphia. "The Yunk" as locals call it was at one time a former mill town turned into a bleak wasteland of American post-industrial waste. But today, thanks to gentrification and access to American Apparel, Manayunk is one of Philadelphia's most vibrant communities.

Shopping
Main Street in Manayunk is one of Philadelphia's premier shopping destinations. There are not one but THREE stores where faded 60's relics sell overpriced beads in the name of freeing Tibet. Shoppers in Manayunk give visitors a chance to feel the sensation of the Cherry Hill Mall while enjoying the decaying smell from a filthy river located only feet away.

Nightlife
Do you like the Old City scene but can live without the overwhelming presence of rich Indian girls from UPenn? Then try Main Street, where it's always pledge week. It's a perfect place to wear a dirtied white "Cocks" baseball cap and a t-shirt tucked into khaki slacks. The Manayunk Brew Pub is a great restaurant featuring microbrews, excellent food and a chance to have a recent Villanova graduate to make lewd and threatening remarks to your wife.

Sadly, the premier spot in Manayunk's nightlife scene -- The Grape Street Pub -- is no longer with us. For years, the Grape Street was the premier place in the city to see the irritating go-teed philosophy major from your dorm play acoustic covers of Smashing Pumpkins songs.

Recreational Activities
A great place to commit a sex crime.

Manayunk offers its visitors a wide array of recreational activities. A popular spot for Yunkers and guests alike is the Manayunk Canal Tow Path. Located directly in the rear of restaurant loading docks, with limited lighting and overgrown shrubbery making you completely invisible to anyone who could possibly hear your screams, the Tow Path is a great place to enact upon your disturbing sexual-power issues.

Bike Race Weekend
It isn't the summer in Manayunk until Bike Race Weekend. The annual event attracts tens of thousands of people who line Manayunk's small, winding and incredibly hilly streets who pretend to watch professional bicyclists. The race starts at 9 but public drinking starts at 6 a.m., making the bike race course a likely spot to see a shirtless man pounding a Lager while grilling bacon. It's a great chance to play beer pong with slutty teenagers or to hear lifelong 'Yunk residents drunkenly recount, play-by-play, the Roman Catholic vs. Cardinal Dougherty Catholic League girls basketball finals from 1982. It is truly one of the best civic events in the history of planet earth.

On The Scene: Philadelphia's Bastille Day

"We want blood! We want blood! Kill her!"

These quotes -- chanted by children, parents, the elderly and the handicapable -- were loud and proud today outside of Eastern State Prison, where Americans who no doubt ate Freedom Fries in 2002 flew French flags on Fairmount Ave.

Today I, Sixth Borough Correspondent At-Large Reporter Gregg Gethard, attended the "Bastille Day" festivities in Philadelphia's beautiful Fairmount neighborhood. This is an annual tradition in Fairmount and has been held for the past 14 years. Who knew? I spent nearly every weekend from the year 2000 to 2003 on a variety of possibly scabies-infested couches in dingy apartments located between Girard and Spring Garden avenues and had never even heard of this event.

My reporting headquarters was The Urban Saloon, a "suburban sports bar attached to a Day's Inn" which recently opened up on Fairmount Ave. and has already rocketed up the list of Philly's worst bar, competing for honors with The Irish Pub and Finnegan's Wake. (The Urban Saloon, however, wins points for its incredibly surreal open mic comedy night on Monday night's. Being a fan and supporter of awkward public situations, I am pretty addicted to attending and performing at bar open mic nights. The Urban Saloon has the finest in the area, I believe.)

The usually empty Urban Saloon was filled with people on ahot and humid Saturday afternoon. Lines were long for both the bathroom and at a small table set up to serve patrons warm American beers in small plastic cups. The attendees were a mix of people in their older-30's who have not completely given up on life (although there were more than just a few women wearing shirts with pictures of animals on the front) yet mixed in with recent college graduates who should face extermination.

But, standing out the most in this sea of human mediocrity, were the occassional men dressed in 19th century French gentry outfits. Most men I come across wearing these outfits are either into really singular sexual roleplay adventures or are hobos who live in the infamous "rape tunnel" around 7th and Fairmount. But today, they walked around the crowd watching Adam Eaton destroy the Phillies season just like everybody else.

Finally, around 5:30, proceedings began. Set up in the middle of Fairmount Ave., not too far from Zorba's, was a podium with a guillotine front and center. A guy in his 50's dressed as a French peasant, obstensibly a mover and shaker with the local Fairmount development community, introduced the festivities. He talked about how we lacked freedom, how we lacked rights and how we wanted change.

It felt somewhat like I was hearing a MoveOn.org supporter talk about Barack Obama, except I didn't want to claw out my eyes. The guy talked at length, occasionally making a funny joke about Dubya or John Street. He also made reference to "Karl Rovespierre."

This allowed me to heckle with what I remembered from my European History II class (where we spent about two weeks on the French Revolution) I took my junior year in college. "I love the month of Fructidor!" was a personal favorite of my own heckles. My friend Mike started chanting "IndieMac" over and over again to remind people of our looming economic doom.

And then, eventually, standing on top of the prison was a woman claiming herself as Marie Antoinette.

Marie Antoinette precariously stood on the edge of the prison, blasting the crowd with comments about her wealth and power. Or something like that. She sounded pretty drunk. After about ten minutes of banter, she told the crowd to chant along.

"If they have no bread... then let them... let them eat cake!"

Then, from the top of the prison, Eastern State employees dumped Tastycakes onto the crowd by the shovel-full, flying through the air, crashing into the skulls of the elderly and polluting our already precarious eco-balance.

Then, the man on the podium ordered for the storming of the Bastille to begin. A few guys carrying muzzles shot blanks above. Marie's guards fired blanks back. It was all kind of confusing until it was announced that the people had stormed the Bastille and brought out some middle aged due.

"WE FREED LARRY MENDTE!" exclaimed the dude on the podium. I, unfortunately, did not bring my "Larry Mendte Is Not A Criminal" that my friend Paul T. from Secret Pants made.

Then after a few minutes we were told that our mob had captured Marie Antoinette. She was then brought to the guillotine, not by force, and I was expecting The Reign of Terror to begin at any second. The man asked the crowd if we wanted her to die.

Everyone screamed and wished this re-enactment actress/Rembrandt's waitress death. The crowd was extremely blood thirsty yet still family friendly, kind of like a Phantoms game.

"Slice her womb," my friend Mike yelled.

Two guys in hoods took to the podium. They then tested the guillotine out by taking a leftover watermelon from Gallagher's last area show and sliced it. And then again.

Then the guy on the podium said "Oh, we're going to keep her alive instead."

Then a couple of people threw Tastycakes at them.

And then it was over.

All-in-all, it was a pretty cool afternoon. If there's one thing we in Philadelphia are good at, it's coming up with reasons to drink shitty beer in the streets. I liked this better than Two Street circa Mummer's day (too cold and too many sexual assaults) but not as much as I like the Manayunk Bike Race (good temperature and the right amount of sex crimes).

It also gave me an idea. Re-enacting foreign revolutions could become a hot new local trend. I think I want to give one a try -- the Romainian Revolution of 1989, complete with the execution of Ceaucescu and his family and with people dressed as glue-huffing Bucharest orphans.

Learn to Over-Act like The Sixth Borough.

In this clip, Sixth Borough Acting School alumna, Rosie O'Donnell, shows off the "Shubin Method". This ground-breaking technique was created by The Sixth Borough's master acting coach, Patrick Kelly. The Shubin Method allows the actor to become mind-bendingly annoying while at the same time breathing through her anus. It is this dramatic shift in the locus of breathing from the mouth-nose region to the anus that allows Rosie and other masters of the Shubin Method to transform themselves from normal intelligent people into actual retards. The Method can be adapted to allow the actor to similarly become black, gay, or Mexican. Classes begin August 30th in Jason's urethra. $250 per credit hour.

Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: East Falls

Getting To Know East Falls
East Falls is located on the hills to the east of the Schuykill River, providing the area with sweeping vistas of disgusting standing water. The neighborhood is an ecelctic mix of post-grads from area schools such as Philadelphia University, La Salle University and St. Joe's University and lifelong residents who proudly call themselves "Fallsers." The post-grads have flocked to East Falls because of its proximity to Center City and also because diplomas from these institutions can barely be used for toilet paper, making it essential for grads to live with six of their friends in sub-standard housing. Fallsers never left the neighborhood due to its proximity to oxycontin.

Famous Faces In East Falls
The East Falls neighborhood was the longtime home of the Kelly family who sprung timeless whore Princess Grace and her brother, swimming champion and local politician John B. Kelly, who was possibly homosexual since he liked swimming so much.

East Falls has long been the traditional home of the area's politicians. Currently, U.S. Senator and multiple stroke victim Arlen Specter lives right around the corner from Pennsylvania governor and casino afficianado Ed Rendell.

Weekly, residents and visitors of East Falls can watch as Ed Rendell gets pestered for change by a semi-retarded hobo who has camped out at the Sunoco A-Plus at Calumet and Ridge.

Community Spirit In East Falls
Post-grads and Fallsers, while coming from significantly different backgrounds, have joined together to help make East Falls a community that cares!

Despite their out-of-town presence, post-grad East Falls residents are seen frequently helping out lifelong residents in a variety of ways. Recently, at the McMichael Park a new East Falls resident was helping a pregnant teenager understand her social place by screaming "How does it feel to meet an authority figure who does not detail cars for a living?" while repeatedly striking her with an extension cord.

Fallsers welcome newcomers to the neighborhood with open arms. Many times, Fallser teenagers will sit on your front step while smoking drugs. Also, many Fallser teenagers like making newcomers feel right at home by making suggestive comments about your alleged sexuality while shining lazer pointers directly into your retina as you walk from your car. And residents who live near Midvale Ave. also love one of their more well-known neighbors, a 16-year-old teenager with a dirtlip and back-long red dreadlocks who enjoys repeatedly jumping on the hood of your new car while singing outdated Eminem lyrics.

Nature In East Falls
Do you like the outdoors? Then why not spend all morning drinking and go sit on the ledge off of the Schuykill River and try your hand at fishing!

Capturing fish from the river is a hobby many East Falls residents enjoy. Nothing can make a man prouder than holding up a still-breathing trout to show off to your friends and then throwing the fish into the garbage can located behind the Sunoco A Plus right across the street.

Getting To East Falls
Walk to the right of the art museum and head up Kelly Drive. About a mile up the road, flash your genitalia to a passing vehicle headed northbound and arrange a deal for the driver to take you to East Falls.

After the terms of your arrangement have been fulfilled, ask to be physically thrown from the car at the Sunoco A-Plus located at the intersection of Ridge and Calumet. Then feel free to wander and explore this neighborhood of many wonders!

Get To Know Philadelphia Neighborhoods: Mount Airy

McMenamin's Tavern: No Pavement On Their Jukebox

GETTING TO KNOW MOUNT AIRY

Mount Airy is one of several neighborhoods comprising Northwest Philadelphia. On one side, it is bordered by Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia's toniest neighborhood, and on the other by Germantown, one of Philadelphia's crummiest neighborhoods. Thus, Mt. Airy is somewhere in between and is rife with class struggle -- a perfect set-up for you to indoctrinate the neighborhood's residents via socialist leaflets handed out at area coffeeshops.

Mt. Airy residents pride themselves on their cultural diversity. In fact, when meeting a Mt. Airy resident for the first time, be prepared to hear about how diverse their neighborhood is. And it isn't just when you first meet a Mt. Airy resident as, actually, all anyone who lives in Mt. Airy ever talks about on their neighborhood's cultural diversity.

Mt. Airy is also noted for having the most anti-Bush bumper stickers found on the back of Prius cars anywhere in the continental US. This celebrates the neighborhood's commitment to becoming a "green neighborhood" while also celebrating the fact that Mt. Airy residents know what the word "impeach" means.

CLOTHING IN MT. AIRY
All male Mr. Airy residents between the ages of 15 and 55 wear toeless sandals at all times of day, complete with matching braided belt. This is a handy look when you wish to impress somebody by repeatedly telling them how culturally diverse your neighborhood is.

SHOPPING IN MT. AIRY
Another popular Mt. Airy destination is the Weaver's Way supermarket co-op. Here, people can actually work a select number of hours at Weaver's Way -- for free -- which allows them the opportunity to later purchase organic grains at expensive prices.

EDUCATION IN MT. AIRY
The Mt. Airy Learning Tree is one of Philadelphia's finest community learning schools. Classes range from "Mastering The 40 Words Successful People Know" to a personal favorite, "Candlemaking With Roberto." Roberto is a Brazillian who learned his candlemaking skills while growing up in the favela slums along the outer rim of Rio. He wears tight shirts and has tanned muscles and gentle, caressing hands. His exotic features, sensual touch and his uncanny ability to mold a candelabra make him ideal to fulfill your fantasy of having a secret midnight, moonlight tryst in a dumpster outside of the Taco Bell on City Line Avenue with a Brazillian candlemaker.

DINING IN MT. AIRY
The Wawa at the corner of Allens Lane and Germantown Avenue makes spectacular made-to-order hoagies.

FAITH IN MT. AIRY
Right across the street from the Wawa is the Philadelphia headquarters of the Hare Krishna religious group, allowing residents and visitors a rare chance to look,touch and smell a sari. Seminal 90's hardcore band and Krishna devotees Shelter frequently play outdoor shows in their large backyard.

TRAVELLING TO MT. AIRY
Stop being a dick and get a car.